10 Ways a Programmer Can Improve His or Her Sex Life
By Laura Milligan
Okay, so you’re smart. Unbelievably smart. You know how to set up Web sites and develop whole software programs while the rest of us are stuck trying to download a new browser. What most people don’t realize, though, is that coders and programmers are a pretty sexy group of guys and girls who just happen to know a lot about computer technology. Everyone could use a little help in the dating and sex department, however, so we’ve compiled this list to help you get lucky in the bedroom – as well as the chatroom.
- Only hang out with other programmers.
As if anyone else is really worth your time. Who else understands the importance of the new JavaScript updates or the appeal of disemboweling a new Mac notebook? Going out to a bar or club packed with hot, sweaty dancers in revealing clothing is not the way to form a lasting relationship. Instead, sit in your friend’s basement and drink cases of ale while you count down the number of days until the SxSW conference or play Bill Gates: the Early Years trivia games.
Practice speaking in your own language made up of obscure programming symbols that only you know how to articulate. If you do happen to go out in public, everyone else will be so wowed by your inside jokes and intricate server understanding that they might just overlook the fact that you haven’t bathed in nineteen days.
- Act superior because you know who Linus Torvalds is.
You also know how to perform even the most obscure input and output challenges, and you torment those who can barely plug in their modems correctly - as if learning everything about computer programming is that difficult. Anyone who has enough passion to stay up into the wee hours of the morning memorizing fascinating timelines and cracking codes would understand whatever it is you’re talking about. Cryptanalysis through quantum computing is your passion, baby! Behaving like a snob will get you lots of attention, because it makes everyone want to be just like you. They wish!
- Never leave the house (unless you are going to meet other computer programmers).
Everyone knows the opposite sex is turned on by mystery. Act the part of the dark, enigmatic stranger, and you’ll be fighting off hotties left and right. Click on this Web site for cool tips on how to be mysterious. We’ve also found that the easiest way to create intrigue is to stay shut up in your home for hours, even days on end, emerging only to do your hunting, er, grocery shopping or to attend a web programmers’ party. It’s best to sneak around after dark, eliminating the chances of someone actually spotting you - except your sexy stalkers, of course, who have just been waiting for you to come out into the open. If you do bump into one of your stalkers by mistake, look away immediately and do not speak. Feign cool disregard while you sneak a peek at them gawking after you. Heh heh. You’re so bad.
- Avoid sunlight at all costs.
Pale is in, people, hasn’t anyone been watching Conan O’Brien? Extreme sunlight damages your sensitive skin, and besides, a deep tan will make you look common. If you have to step outside during the day, pull your socks up to your knees, wear a protective flannel over shirt, and top it all off with your grandmother’s gardening hat. Your future hookup will love you for your soft, smooth, milky white flesh. Elizabethan royalty prided themselves in having the whitest skin possible, and who doesn’t strive to be as cool as Elizabethan royalty?
- Remain viciously territorial of all software you designed, Web sites you developed, or revolutionary new ideas you harbor.
Once something makes it onto the Web, everyone thinks they have the right to assume partial ownership. The truth is somebody worked long and hard to make it possible for you to order pizza online or set up Google Adsense on your worthless little blog. The moment you hear anyone try to take credit for his or her own Web site, challenge them on the spot and quiz them on how they formatted their source or how they managed to solve the frustrating problem of float bugs. You’ll win major points with your date for sticking up for yourself and being a confident brainiac. There’s nothing sexier than being armed with knowledge.
- Make fun of your date’s “cool new computer.”
If you actually get the chance to be invited to a guy or girl’s house (!!!), the first thing you should do is check out their computer system. How many computers do they have? Desktop or laptop? PC or Mac? If he or she is excited to show off a new computer, act suspicious. Unless your date is also a computer programmer, they are probably light years behind in the newest technology. Too bad they don’t know how outdated that “brand new” computer really is. When did they buy it anyway? 6 months ago? What a moron. Point out everything dysfunctional about their system and how much money they wasted on a worthless piece of junk. They will appreciate your honesty someday.
- Wear a backpack as high on your back as possible.
And don’t forget to fasten the straps around your stomach. If you must leave the house, best to take everything with you. You never know when some technologically retarded sellout is going to need your help designing a Web page for his daughter’s wedding photos. Humiliating, yes, but it does pay your bills. Stuffed full of laptops, batteries, chargers, reference manuals, and bananas, you are going to need to wear that red vinyl pack as high as possible to avoid straining your weak back. Your practicality and attention to personal health will attract a surprising number of younger guys or girls, who still find it appropriate to flirt with you by pointing and laughing. Its okay, they’re just jealous and unsure of how to approach a stud like you.
- Publicize how erotically charged you get every time you unwrap a new piece of software or computer accessory.
Moan and perhaps even lick your new gift as you take it out of the box. Once you start to play with it for the first time, cradle it in your hands and pet each surface, really taking in its beauty and the supple coolness of the hard, plastic exterior. Others will take note of your sensual prowess and may even become aroused themselves. If you’re that charged with sexual energy, you’re going to need an outlet…and fast. You want a partner to accompany you on the love ride, and they can’t really assume that you’d prefer to take along the new Yoggie Gatekeeper Pro…or would you?
- Constantly talk about the newest conferences coming up and how excited you are to go.
Post your itinerary for the SxSW festival on your blog so that you can meet up with all your followers and sign autographs. If you’re really a diehard blogger, see if you can set up a booth where your fans can converge and review the best (and worst) seminars you’ve attended. Arrange to meet your other programming friends at the hotel two days in advance so that you’re guaranteed a good spot in line. If you can, order the conference t-shirts before you go so that you can arrive in town proudly displaying your computer infatuation. As tip #1 states, continue to only hang out in large groups of other computer programmers, as this will show everyone that you are in fact a social computer programmer, not a loser computer programmer who sits in his basement all year.
- Wear the same Star Trek shirt every single day.
Since you’re generally not allowed to walk around naked in public, this is probably the sexiest thing that you, as a computer programmer, can do to get someone to want to have sex with you. He or she will think you’re adorable, quirky, and original. Wearing the same thing everyday might seem a little repetitive, but at least you’re no tool. In a stifling sea of pink popped collars, a Captain Kirk “Risk is our Business” t-shirt is a breath of fresh air. If the sexy young thing you’ve been eyeing hasn’t caught on to your anti-establishment originality, don’t be afraid to brag a little. Whisper in their ear: “You know, I haven’t changed my clothes in eight days. And yes, that means I haven’t washed them either!”
Don’t be overwhelmed. Just remember: the fact that you’re a computer programmer means you’re already halfway there. Your occupation and love for computers and all their small little parts makes you a huge turn on to the opposite sex. If you adapt each of these tips to your own personal programming lives, you’ll be on the road to sweet lovin’ in no time.
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September 13th, 2007 at 9:29 am
haha this is great (and yes, I am a programmer)
September 13th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I tried all these things and I still haven’t gotten laid! You’re a liar!
September 13th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
“Avoid sunlight at all costs.”
Hey some of us prefer the night over the day.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
It has worked for me so far
September 13th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
YES!! These will definitely do it!! Can’t wait to try!!!!!
September 13th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Uhh, are you being sarcastic? I think this is pretty much the epitomy of what NOT to do to get laid these days…
Or MAYBE I just in need to get laid. Sigh… Yeah, I definitely think that’s it.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
That entry is just great! Good hunting guys!
September 13th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
How can someone actually ask if the article was sarcastic yet still remember to breathe?
September 13th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Good list, I followed them to the letter and have gotten laid many times, thanks!
September 13th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
You forgot… Stop watching so much porn
September 13th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Gotta love the “I’m being sarcastic … or am I?” tone. Too bad there’s so few lady programmers about.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
A++++ WOULD IMPROVE SEX LIFE AGAIN
September 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Uh, I got news for you, Skippy. Those tips will not get you laid! You’ve obviously never been laid or you would know that. Or maybe you were trying to trick us so that you could get laid by not doing it while we stayed home every night playing WoW with Ms. Rosie Palm and her 5 fingers. Nice try, but we’re not falling for it … and grow up, please.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
wow. what a brilliant list.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
haha this was a damn good read.
September 13th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I’m saving this to my PDA.
September 13th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Omg! You took my last 10 years of habitual practice, summed them up, and laid it out flat on your Blog. Pure 63n10u5.
September 13th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
OMG Love it! (yes I’m a programmer)
September 13th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
… Wow… solely wow.
Well i mean i love the night time as much as any other self-respecting nerd, but there are some really hot people who come out in the day
September 13th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Brilliant
Priceless 
September 13th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Oh man, the clueless replies to this post are half the fun!!! I really enjoyed this post. Thanks much Ms. Milligan!
September 13th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
haha, these are good. funny read. and just by reading this comments i think im way outnumbered in the gender aspect in this field…but i already knew that…(yes im a programmer, and yes im female)
September 13th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
I followed the list and my GF is leaving me, is it a good sign that I am getting a new one soon?
September 13th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Ok so i am one of those few girl computer E programmers, this was a funny article. It made me laugh = )
September 13th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
HOLY…
wow…
these jokes have been made like 12309123801928109 times?
………
……………………………………………………………………………………..
i am gonna now go have talk with my natural language processing AI unit fully versed in l334 talk. i taught it ZOMG!
September 13th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
First thing I thought after reading this was: this is written by a woman
bingo
September 13th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Dream; but live in the real world. It is a woman who chooses a man and not a man who chooses a woman.
If you want to get laid you have to tell a woman what she wants to hear. Women are body conscious, tell her she is beautiful, nice boobs, hips, legs, that she has the perfect body. When you get there tell her her sweet spot is perfect.
September 13th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
How strangely EROTIC!
September 13th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Real programmers don’t have blogs. All the fruity little webby-databasey html-ly javascript-y tripe that runs these sites has precisely diddly sh!t to do with real programming.
September 13th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Wow, someone’s bitter.
September 13th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Machine bomb has a point, though I wouldn’t completely dismiss scripting systems. There are some very serious development paradigms that use nothing but scripting.
OTOH, html, et al, do kind of open up the Wonderful World of Programming to any hack with a website.
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September 13th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
The webby datebasey .netISH web developer I married is not at all fruity. Lots more money in web development than the client server stuff anyway.
Geeky males are yummy. I am a non developer who went to work in a dev shop as designer girl. I married the senior developer/boss a few months ago. I highly recommend those .net C# men…
Fun article.
September 13th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
@astro
I’m a lady programmer! ^_^
Love the list hahaha!
September 13th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
P.S. I just wanted to mention that I blogged a spin-off of your post (intended as a sincere form of flattery) called “how to endear yourself to a feminist”
September 13th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
wow “me” you who married your boss.
you GOLD DIGGA!!!
just kidding…
September 13th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
haha! The first thing my Programmer hubby did when we started dating was upgrade my computer.. Thank god for his pitty on a lesser nerd.
September 13th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
1994 called.
They wanted their jokes back.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
This is simply hilarious.. you’ve just written down my mind!.. i live with a crazy programmer, who goes by every line you have written!! real funny
September 13th, 2007 at 10:43 pm
Thanks, I was thoroughly entertained
September 13th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Hi… I am a programmer and I have tried almost everything you’ve mentioed here… With NO Luck!!!
September 13th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Here’s another. Wear shirts that say there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
Or roses are FF0000, violets are 0000FF…
September 14th, 2007 at 2:09 am
It actually makes sense. Sure, violating the points above might get you laid by one of those “hot, sweaty dancers in revealing clothing” - ONCE. Sure, being true to yourself might take longer to get you laid. But in the long run, if you find someone who loves you and wants you as you are, then you’ll get a lot more lovin’.
September 14th, 2007 at 2:19 am
Thanks for the tips, i have now been laid 10 times de last day!
September 14th, 2007 at 2:22 am
Ha ha ha … i’ll try it with my wife, coz she also a programmer
September 14th, 2007 at 2:54 am
LOL - here’s a tip if you really want to get laid
The Internet is full of dating pages. When I spent most of my time online and in front of a computer anyway, why not using the computer/Internet for dating? Just be suspicious if they charge you tons of money; you need to get an eye for real dating pages and fakes. If you are a guy, like me, think about that you want to meet women. So ask yourself, if you were a women, not too experienced with computers/Internet, would you register on that page? No, then it’s probably a fake and only interested to get your money for offering nothing in return. I found my current g/f online and after one year, I’m still the happiest guy in the world, that I found her. I had never found her offline, we had never met for sure. The Internet is a great thing
September 14th, 2007 at 8:06 am
I’ll take notes on this as i will have brand new apple laptop in 2 weeks
September 14th, 2007 at 8:08 am
/* No Comment */
September 14th, 2007 at 9:07 am
“Linus Torvalds”?? well everyone knows he was Lucy’s brother in “Charlie Brown”. That’s a weird turn-on…
- m
September 14th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Funny. Great writing!
September 14th, 2007 at 11:24 am
You have to do all of these things and still have game. Passion about anything in life is sexy.
September 14th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Am I the only programmer who hates star trek and the likes? I feel so ostracized…
September 14th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I don’t know a single programmer that know’s SH*T about computer hardware…
Most are as retarded as the every day user.
September 14th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Omw, it’s actually quite funny to see that some of the people here actually think this is a real list and the writer is serious roflmao, excellent post though.. I’ll keep it in mind when the chicks jump me again
September 14th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Programmers have a sexlife?
September 14th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Hmmm, with a name like ‘Laura,’ I have this sneaking suspicion that you’re a girl… and although I know this post is facetious, I have this sneaking suspicion that this could actually be taken literally by female programmers and be successful - and it makes it even funnier to read that way (No. 6 does suggest it was written with gender neutrally, but ignoring that opening sentence, I would have assumed this was strictly for boys on first read)…
Anyway, was tres funny to read, and perfect to end my Friday. I’ll have to give the rest of the site a gander now… Have a good weekend!
September 14th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
And don’t forget about those forever sexy abbreviations in computer world !!
September 15th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Greate, i hate sun light!
September 15th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding 10 Ways a Programmer Can Improve His or Her Sex Life, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong
September 16th, 2007 at 2:41 am
That reminds me of one of my colleague who is a Debian developer. Quite true in some sense
September 16th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
LOL! Very funny!
And the thing is that I actually know someone who almost fit perfectly in this list, from bloating over his knowledge and/or equipment to using a stomach-straping backpack.
And his social skillz are very… “peculiar”…
September 16th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
I think a lot of it she was eluding to how programmers are stuck up know it alls.
I’ve been a loner programmer, but sociable, once I got to the work force I found this to be true. A lot of programmers think they’re ubber cause they have brain power. Which is sad.
If you want a girl…try not thinking so hard.
September 16th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Machine bomb’s response perplexes me, but this didn’t ruin the awesome tongue-in-cheek tone of this post. Well done.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Luckily for me, I used this list as a guide rather than a completely inclusive bible. I found that the life-size cardboards stand-ups of Captain Kirk, Boba Fett and Princess Leia made the ladies go wild for me. Thanks, Laura!
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:56 am
Cool. A hilarious post. And every programmer like me would find it the same
October 14th, 2007 at 6:15 am
This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title 10 Ways a Programmer Can Improve His or Her Sex Life. Thanks for informative article
November 21st, 2007 at 7:14 am
Very good site. Thank you!
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:30 am
keep it up mate,really nice .
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Cool blog,thanks.
April 28th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
oh you never let go of me”. . .
the turtle is sticking her head out!
May 7th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Good reading, thank you
May 8th, 2008 at 10:12 am
I wish you can do this.
……………………….
billi.
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August 9th, 2008 at 4:37 am
Computer Engineering and Science student here…
These make me bitter.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:52 am
What is “sex”?